In the initial days and hours after you find out about your spouse's affair, you may too angry, too shocked, and too raw to have any expectations of how either of you should act. But after the reality has a little time to settle in, we all want to see some sort of acknowledgement flirtwith.com of wrong doing. We want to see him make some sort of gesture of sorrow or regret.
Unfortunately, this is not what
many wives get. Some husbands seem to go out of their way to be as nasty and
indignant as possible. It's almost as if they believe that their wife, who did
nothing wrong, is deserving of their punishment because she caught him. A wife
might say: "my husband absolutely does not care that I caught him
cheating. Nor does he seem to care that he has hurt me. He acts as if he's
shocked that I'm shocked. He says that I was fully aware that our marriage was
struggling. He said I know that his dad cheated on his mother throughout their
marriage. He said that he never promised me complete fidelity.
And he says that I know he won't
leave me. So he doesn't get why I'm acting all outraged. He's very non
apologetic about this. He acts as if I should just deal with it or get over it.
He doesn't care at all. I'm so sad about this. And I'm not sure if I want to
save my marriage if this man is so uncaring. flirtwith.com
review I wish I didn't
care either. But I can't help but care. It's just human. How can he not care at
all?"
To be honest with you, I doubt very
much that he doesn't care at all. That would require that he has absolutely no
conscience. And if that were true, you would have known of this lacking before
now. A complete lack of conscience just isn't true of most people, especially
people who care enough about someone to marry them, establish a home with them,
and have a life with him.
Be On The Look Out For Excuses And
Justifications Meant To Lessen His Guilt And Pain: What your husband has said
sounds like a lot of excuses meant to diminish the fall out of what he has
done. He may even be trying to convince himself that his actions were
understandable. flirtwith He may
realize that what he has done isn't ideal and just plain wrong, but he's trying
to justify it somewhat by believing that most men cheat and most marriages
survive it. (Most of us would argue these points, but men who have recently
been caught cheating are often willing to believe this, at least at the time.)
Denial And Self Preservation Are
Additional Ways to Lessen The Guilt: What your husband is doing isn't that
unusual. It's a form of denial. And it is also a form of self preservation.
It's easier not to judge yourself this harshly. It's hard to look in the mirror
and realize that you have singlehandedly destroyed what you and your spouse have
worked for. It's heart breaking to look in the mirror and see someone who has
committed that type of betrayal. It's just easier when you can convince
yourself that what you've done isn't so bad or is understandably in some way.
Luckily, this often does not go on
forever. Even people who would prefer to stay in denial will usually eventually
come back to reality. After a while, it just becomes more and more difficult to
ignore reality and to no longer see the obvious signs. Sometimes, you will find
that he comes around and you don't have to do anything.
Wives sometimes tell me that their
husband truly is never going to care because he has checked out of the
marriage. I find that even in those cases, there is still regret. Most people
realize that regardless of the state of your relationship or the circumstances,
there are options other than cheating. I guess the point that I am trying to
make is that it's at least my belief that it would be a rare person that
doesn't care at all. Sure, he may be trying hard to give you (or themselves)
that impression, but it rarely lasts.
The Consequences Will Sometimes
Speed Things Along: If your spouse doesn't come to this conclusion on his own,
sometimes just seeing the consequences of his actions will cause him to change
his tune. Once he sees that his life can not help but change and that those he
cares about have been affected, he will likely begin to feel how much he cares
and he may show it. Or, he may still posture for a while.
It is really up to you as to
whether or not you want to be patient to see if he will change his stance.
Sometimes, if you are going to counseling, the counselor will help to pull this
out of him because, regardless of what happens in your marriage, it does help
to know that he realizes what he has done and that he cares about the same.
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